


Without you life is empty

by StayhereforCB



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, But then its good again, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Panic Attacks, Soft Choi Yeonjun, Soulmates, They're sad af, Yeonjun is a crybaby but thats how Soobin loves him, boys cry too, but not a soulmate au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 06:26:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30051270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StayhereforCB/pseuds/StayhereforCB
Summary: Yeonjun never thought losing someone would be this hard. He never thought he would still feel lonely, when he was surrounded by friends. Because he lost him. He wasn't there anymore.(Or Yeonjun loses his soulmate and everything feels empty, but when theyre reunited, things take a turn.)
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Kudos: 58





	Without you life is empty

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments if you want to, it would mean so much to me. Also, thank you from the bottom of my heart for clicking on this.   
> Love u.

It wasnt easy, to live without him. 

There were no comfortable moments anymore, holding hands under the fuzzy blanket, no shy smiles exchanged. There were no tight, long lasting and warm hugs whenever they met. There were no nights spent together and talking about everything and nothing at the same time. No calls lasting hours. No more long walks around town where Soobin lives, no more " _Look, that house looks beautiful, would be so nice to move to a place like this, right?"_

No movie nights, eating junk food and drinking strawberry flavoured beers. No more afternoons where they cooked lunch together. No more nostalgic mornings talking about childhood memories they both heard a million times. No more ' _lets plan our future together'_

He feels alone, at 3pm when he's with his friends. Alone when he is surrounded with people he loves, because it's not the same. _He isn't there._

He isn't there to complete him, to make him feel alive. 

He isn't there, not anymore. Always feeling out of place, scared to ride the bus they rode together all the time, scared to visit his favorite park where they smoked together, his favourite cafe where they studied. Because he was terrified of remembering, afraid the memories flooding his mind once again. He can't take the same route home, he can't go to where Soobin lives. _Hell_ , he can't even smoke without thinking about him. 

All he can do is try to kill these thoughts at night, drown these memories and pretend life isnt broken without him. 

There's no one he can be ' _too much_ ' with, Soobin won't say " _Oh God we are disgustingly annoying_." when they're around others, when they're telling each other inside jokes people wouldn't understand. 

Soobin isn't there to remind him to eat, to drink water he hates because it's so plain, no Soobin to tell him eating a bag of Doritos isn't enough and it's bad for his health. No Soobin to text him at 7am to have a nice day, to say " _Don't be too hard on yourself, take care, okay?"_

 _Fuck_ it shouldn't be this hard to lose someone. 

But that's the point, that's the big problem here, that Soobin wasn't only just a best friend, he wasn't just a person he was close with. Soobin was his _soulmate_ , and he desperately tries to think he still is. 

Sitting in his room at such a late hour, staring at his posters and imagining scenarios in his head. Its hard to let these thoughts go when they enter his brain. Other times he can go a day without thinking about Soobin, but today is just not one of those. Today it was, and still is about him, it's all about their shared moments, when they went on a trip to another city to get away from school. 

Soobin drove, Yeonjun took care of the music, playing their favorite songs at maximum volume, singing along together. That day Yeonjun wore a new shirt, extremely proud of it and showing it off when they stopped at the gas station to buy drinks, walking up to the man behind the desk, sometimes looking around if people were watching. Soobin was, he always watched. 

When they arrived, it was 6pm, time for Soobin to check his phone if he got accepted to his dream university, they sat in the car, palms sweating not just from the hot weather but from anxiety too. Soobin's eyes were on the screen, fingers still crossed. And then his phone lit up, a new message saying he got accepted. Yeonjun was the first to scream, tears welling up in his eyes and grabbing a still very much shocked Soobin who couldn't believe his eyes. Yeonjun kissed his head, his hair, his forehead, still so excited. " _You fucking got in! You got in_!" he said, holding Soobin's cheeks, both of them too emotional. ' _It wouldn't be such a big deal for others, but I never thought you would get this far'._

Soobin was depressed, from a very young age. He never thought he would get this far either, he never thought he would finish high school or go to university, and Yeonjun knew, he was aware that this was a moment that should be cherished forever. Soobin had to fight back his own tears too, but seeing Yeonjun being so proud of him made it so hard, it made his heart ache in his chest. Yeonjun watched him grow from a depressed teenager to a young man who finally made progress. Yeonjun was proud of him because he knew Soobin worked so hard to be where he is now.

Today, he though about the day when Soobin randomly called him at 10pm, asking _"Hyung, do you want to go on a drive?"_ Yeonjun said yes, already standing up. " _I'll pick you up, love you_." 

They sat in silence, listening to songs from Soobin's moody playlist, Yeonjun catching up quickly that this is what he needed. Soobin drove them around the town, wordless, face blank. Yeonjun reached over, putting his hand on the younger's thigh, gently holding it to let him know, _he was there_. 

He thought about the time they went to parties together, drinking until they were completely out of it. 

Soobin was so drunk he kept throwing up, all over himself, his clothes, his shoes, even his hair got droplets of vomit on it. He was a mess, and while Yeonjun was drunk as fuck too, he sobered up enough to call them a taxi and go home, hands caressing Soobin's back and making sure he was warm. He took off his jacket, putting around the younger boy's broad shoulders to keep him from shivering, and didn't mind that he was freezing to death in the middle of December, so late into the night only just a few people were outside. Yeonjun didn't give a fuck, Soobin was more important. 

When they got to Soobin's house, he prayed his parents were asleep with a closed door so he can drag Soobin upstairs to his bathroom. Carefully he undressed him, throwing the dirty, vomit covered clothes on the floor, brushing the hair out of his face to make sure he was conscious still. He cleaned the boy as much as he could, sometimes giggling in disbelief because the situation was just so unbelievably _awful_. Before tucking him in bed he made Soobin drank two glasses of water, and brought the trashcan closer so if he needed to throw up again he could without making a mess again. Yeonjun got in bed next to him, trying to talk. " _It's going to be okay, but when you wake up, you will hate yourself for drinking so much, you dummy._ " But Soobin was already asleep. It didnt matter. 

Yeonjun gets in bed, now on his own, in the cold bed he used to share with Soobin, it feels so empty, like everything else. He prays he can sleep soon, because this is unbearable, how can he escape his thoughts?

The next day it's slightly better, because coffee tastes good, the sun is shining, and his cat is purring loudly. Small things like these still makes him smile, but the bitter taste in his mouth doesnt disappear, thinking ' _Soobin would totally get it, he loves waking up nicely._ ' But he tries to push these aside, and focus on how fucking good his breakfast will be.

Thank god they didnt go to the same university. That would fucking kill him, it would be torture, it would be cruel to see him and not being able to jump into his arms and press his forehead to the crook of his neck, to breathe in the scent of him, the smell he adores the most. The smell that always calmed him down, that always made him smile and cry when they had small fights when they were younger. When Soobin decided he wanted to study criminal justice, he desperately wanted to apply to Yeonjun's university, but there were no courses, so he found the closest one. 

They havent seen each other in 4 months, and Yeonjun doesnt ever want to see him, not like this. Of course, he would kill to be with him again, but meeting him and not being able to go up to him and say " _I love you so much_." would hurt more than anything.

Classes pass by, and even Beomgyu doesnt bother him with stupid little things he has no energy for. 

Until..

"Hyung, I think you should talk to him." Says the younger, brown long hair tied up in a loose bun, strands of his soft hair falling into his eyes. He looks at Yeonjun with pity on his face, it screams ' _You're miserable_.'

"Gyu, please dont talk about him. Please." He sounds broken, even he can hear it in his own voice too, and the familiar painful feelings are back, it feels like stabs in his heart, like punches to his stomach. Grabbing his books, he stares at the floor beneath him, eyeing the dirty marks, trying to think about anything else, his cat, his mom, his coffee.

"You know... Taehyun and I talked about it a lot. Its been so long, and you havent moved on, youre still not okay. We're worried. Just call him, how about that?" 

"Beomgyu, drop it, now. I mean it." Hands going clammy, heart beating faster than it should. 

How could he call him after what happened?

How could he do that when _he_ was the one who messed it up? _He_ is the reason things are like this, _he_ is the reason Soobin is gone from his life.

Yeonjun made the mistake of falling in love.

He made the decision of running away. 

They were growing apart slowly, and Yeonjun didnt know why, he was too scared of losing him, so he did what he always did in these situations. He ran away, because he felt abandoned, he felt replaced. In reality, he wasnt, because Soobin still loved him. It was his anxiety. 

"It's a dead case Gyu, i dont ever want to talk about it." 

So how come he is there 6 days later, at night in their favorite park he avoided for months, smoking the same cigarette Soobin used to smoke? How come he is there, sitting on the grass and pulling out poor flowers from their places, tears already running down cold on his heated cheeks, phone in his hand, his number right there? 

_Just one touch. And the tone of ringing is echoing in his ear._

"Please pick up. Please pick it up." He begs quietly into the air, light breeze hitting his skin. 

"Yeonjun?" The voice on the other end is worried, but just as quiet as Yeonjun's. 

This is where he starts to sob, hiccups filling the air and broken words so loud in the phone. 

He missed his voice _so much_ , he missed it so much, it sends shivers down his spine and heart ache in that familiar way he is used to now. 

"H-how are you?" He starts, but its so obvious that he didnt call him to ask this. 

"Yeonjun, are you okay?" 

"Im so sorry, im so sorry Soobin... I can't do this without you, i dont know how to. Im so sorry, please, can we be together? I was stupid to run away, im sorry... i didn't know what should I do. I missed you so much, i missed you so badly, it hurts and i cant do this anymore." Between each sentence he stopped to cry, but its okay, its okay to be emotional, right? Its okay to feel like your life is falling apart, right?

"Where are you?" Is all he says, and Yeonjun cant spit it out. He keeps repeating how sorry he is. " _Baby_ , listen to me, okay? Take a big breath, remember the breathing exercises we did together? Lets do it now, too." And they do. 

_In._

_One, two, three, four._

_Out._

_One, two, three, four_.

Yeonjun does this until the lump in his throat goes away, until his breathing isnt irregular, until he isn't dizzy anymore. _Soobin_.

"Tell me where are you, can you do that for me?" Yeonjun tells him without hesitation, saying that he is in the spot they love. And Soobin immediately knows, _of course he know_ s. He can hear Soobin getting ready, and he cant believe that it is happening. Theres no way. 

"A-are you coming?" 

"Yes baby, give me 10 minutes. Dont hang up." 

They talk about how Soobin had a shitty day at uni because one of the professors is a fucking piece of shit, the one you want to slap across the face everytime you see him, and it's funny to hear it from his mouth, because Soobin is so gentle, he wouldnt hurt anyone. He keeps talking, because he knows how to calm him down when he has a panic attack, he is the only one who can really help him calm down. He was always the first he went to when it happened, he woke up Soobin when it came at night and the younger was fast awake when he realised whats happening.

Yeonjun takes a hit from his 6th cigarette, and Soobin chuckles when he hears him blowing out the smoke between his lips. The younger tells him he also couldnt quit, even after they promised each other over a year ago that this should stop. "And I got a tattoo. Its very cool, you're gonna love it, im sure." 

Yeonjun sees him. He walks fast like he needs to hurry up or something bad happens. The older is still sitting there, not moving an inch, just waiting for the other to reach him, to finally be close to him. Soobin looks just as awful as the older does, its obvious that he was in bed when he called, and suddenly Yeonjun feels like a _burden_ , but deep down the _selfishness_ is louder. He sits now next to him, knees touching and eyes finding each other's as soon as they can. 

It feels the same. Looking into his brown eyes, the big brown eyes he loves so much and can get lost in it for minutes and minutes. Yeonjun can't stop himself when he gets up on his knees and throws himself on the younger, arms holding him so tight, so close. 

He still smells like what he remembers, and it makes him want to cry again. Memories of the trips, of the parties, of the nights spent together, of everything are coming back again, blinding him slightly.

Soobin doesnt hesitate to hold him either, to hug him, bring him closer as much as he can. 

"I don't deserve this." 

"You deserve everything." 

Soobin took him home, and when Yeonjun thought he would leave, the younger said "I'm staying with you." 

They spend the whole night talking, catching up but never saying anything about what happened, because they aren't ready for that, and it's okay, Yeonjun thinks, because he cant have another breakdown. Not now.

Soobin is caressing his arm, his back, anything he can reach. He missed this, too. 

He missed Yeonjun so much. He cant explain what he felt in these 4 months, how it tore him apart inside to be away from his soulmate, how it ruined his life. They were _so perfect_ together, everything they had was flawless and when he lost him life was dull again, it was empty and colorless, it was horrible to know he lost the one he loves to death. _His other half_. And he didnt want to accept it.

Soobin was depressed, he couldnt study, he couldnt pay attention to anything and he neglected everyone around him, not caring in the slightest about the world around him. Call him dramatic, because he truly was, but he felt like it was only appropriate. 

"You should try to sleep, okay?" He says, eyes so full of fondness, fingertips dancing on Yeonjun's face as if he was trying to lull him to sleep. 

"I missed you." The boy is a slightly pouting, hand holding onto the bigger one on his face, like he is scared of him disappearing. 

"I missed you too, Yeonjun." 'Please never leave me', he wants to say, 'Dont go away anymore'. 

When they wake up, theyre both surprised to see each other so close, thinking this moment would never be real again. Yeonjun thinks he is dreaming, because this cant be reality, Soobin is there, he is next to him... the older moves closer, hiding his bed hair and the small, joyful smile on his face in Soobin's chest. The younger closes his arms around his back, and kisses the cherry smelling hair. Yeonjun feels _small, safe and home_ , he is finally where he belongs, in his arms.

Whats even more unbelievable is that theyre acting like nothing happened. No, not even acting, its much more than that. 

Everything feels unreal, all of this makes them feel even closer, like the bond they had was stronger now. Seeming like it was for them to see if they truly belong to each other, these months spent away just made them realise how precious what they have. 

Everyone knew they were meant to be, they had to find each other to complete their missing pieces. Their parents, their friends, everyone who knows them.

It didnt even take time to fall back into their old habits, their old routine. It was like switching the light on again, not being able to remember it was once dark in there. Soobin spent even more time with him, if that was even possible, sleeping over Yeonjun's place twice a week, just watching old movies and talking about the time they spent apart. Soobin told him about his new friends at university, a boy named Hueningkai, who was apparently the cutest boy on earth, and fairly, he really was, when he introduced the two of them to each other. Yeonjun immediately liked him, quickly made plans with him to go shopping and to meet his own friends too, which turned out as a disaster because Beomgyu had the biggest crush on the youngest boy and they hit it off pretty quickly, going on a date soon after. Yeonjun was offended that he made a new friend and Beomgyu stole him away, but seeing his friend being all giddy and happy was enough, too.

With Soobin, he was flying high again. They continued making plans for the future, looking for apartments to move out from their parents, and start a life where theyre both free, doing whatever they want. And Soobin still pointed at houses saying "That one! I love it. But we're broke..." 

When they decided it was time to talk about what happened, Soobin instantly hugged the older closer in bed, blanket over their bodies to protect them from the chilly air. 

Enjoying the closeness Yeonjun shuts his eyes and prepares himself for a rather heated conversation, knowing Soobin will scold him for his actions, but at the same time, he knew he will understand him fully. 

"What happened to us?" Soobin starts, and they both think back of their situation in the past. 

They fell apart, as easy as it is. Yeonjun didnt feel needed anymore.

"I thought you dont enjoy being my friend anymore, you know? I spent too much time alone with my stupid brain because... Because you were busy with new friends. I was jealous, I thought you were fed up with me. Dont ask why, i dont know either. My head made it all up." He is shy, talking about it. It's not embarrassing in the slightest because this is Soobin we're talking about, and he is too precious to make fun of him for feeling the way he did, or invalidate his emotions. _He would never_. 

"Im sorry for making you feel like that... It wasnt on purpose nor intended, and im not going to lie, it never crossed my mind that maybe you would feel neglected." 

"No. Please, dont apologise. You didn't do anything wrong." Yeonjun makes sure the message gets across, looking up into the youngers eyes. "I was way, way, way too into my head and didn't think of other options, i started to panic."

"But still, i must've given you the impression that you're not good enough. I want us to be able to talk through it whenever we feel like the other is doing something that makes us uncomfortable, okay?" Soobin was always the reasonable one in their friendship, the one who made the right decisions and solved the problems they faced so far. This time things went in a different direction and that caused them a _bigger_ problem, but here, in each other's embrace things are much better. They can get through this.

"I've done a lot of things wrong, and to be completely honest, I'm scared of changing." Yeonjun's anxiety definitely made even the simplest things hard to handle, but Soobin knew how to make the worry disappear, and from now on, _he will_ _never, ever let Yeonjun feel like how he did again._

Yeah, their dependence on each other might be unhealthy, and it could be suffocating for others, but not for them. It doesnt feel too much. 

"We should go on a trip again. And drink." Says Yeonjun in a voice that sounds painfully nostalgic. Soobin runs his fingers through his hair, making the older close his eyes, chin propped up on the younger's chest, faces close together. Soobin is lovingly gazing at his calm face, eyes roaming around the tan skin, wordless. Yeonjun's skin is beautiful, even with the few blemishes, glowing under the light of the lamp from the ceiling. He always loved skincare, weirdly obsessed with anything that makes his skin glow, spending long minutes in front of the mirror, over the sink. 

"Let's." 

They chose a town they already went to a few years ago, old buildings next to each other, trees all around them. Yeonjun loved this place, he enjoyed the quiet town, just hearing birds and the sound of laughter of kids playing outside. 

Soobin picks Yeonjun up from his apartment and they decide against going to a store to buy food, feeling fancy to eat at restaurants and ordering food late at night while watching cartoons from their childhood. The drive is long, but Yeonjun makes it interesting by talking and singing to Soobin who listens with a small smile on his face. 

"Guess what? I'm going on an interview next friday, i applied to a job out of nowhere when you forgot to text me back and i was bored. I wanted to tell the lady that im not really interested anymore but she hit me with the salary, God, theyre paying fucking well. Im going to spoil you. Or wait, wait! We could start saving up for the apartment!" Soobin doesnt say anything, letting Yeonjun to go on, because he just loves running his mouth. Not like he minds. "And we dont even need to find you a job, because you know, uni is already taking all your energy away. I wouldnt mind paying for the rent and stuff." 

When Soobin stays quiet, Yeonjun turns to him with a worried expression, reaching over to hold his thigh again like he always does. 

"What's wrong?"

"Isn't it crazy, that we're so close to everything we always wanted?" Soobin lets a tiny smile decorate his face, one hand letting go of the wheel to place it on Yeonjun's, lacing their fingers together for a short while. "Its becoming so real. Im kind of afraid." 

"Afraid of what?" Yeonjun wants to understand him better, but he feels it too. Its scary that time flies so fast, a second ago they were just teenagers fighting over who plays with the red controller attached to the tv. Now they're adults, one working, one in university, halfway out of their homes they grew up in. 

"I'm not sure. Maybe I'm afraid that things will become too hard to deal with." 

Slight panic creeps its way up to his lungs, the air suddenly so heavy and foreign.

"Do you not want to move in together?" 

"No, no, I want that more than anything! I just cant help but feel so scared of the future." 

The hand from his thigh moves away, and Soobin fears he fucked up. But the same hand goes up to his neck, fingers playing with the soft skin, then it moves up to his head, into his hair. 

"We're going to figure things out together. Its okay to feel like this, it's okay to be worried. But you're not going to be alone, I'm right here." 

Soobin wants to look at him, to hold his face and see Yeonjun smile at him reassuringly like he always does when Soobin feels like this. 

"I love you, Yeonjun." The older just smiles, knuckles stroking his cheek. 

In the hotel room, Soobin drops his weight on the couch, so fucking tired of driving for 3 hours. Groaning, he lifts his arm up to cover his eyes for a short second, but Yeonjun doesn't let him have even a millisecond of peace, he is jumping on him immediately, throwing gentle playful punches on his stomach.

"Don't you dare, Choi Soobin! We have to go and eat, I'm starving. And then, oh, we have to see the pool! Its open until 10pm, and if we go later no one will be there, we can be alone." 

Sounds tempting, but his body feels too heavy to move. Still, he sits up with Yeonjun still sitting in his lap. He yawns, unattractive but not in Yeonjun's eyes. As he tries to get away and stand up, Soobin catches his hand, yanking him back. Yeonjun wants to complain that there's no time for playing because he really is starving, but all his words die down in his throat when Soobin places a kiss on his cheek. He doesn't even bother to try and play it off, like it's all cool, because his heart is pounding so _loudly_. 

Soobin pulls back his head slowly, giving him a lazy smile. 

Now, it's not the first time Yeonjun wants to kiss him on the lips. 

Maybe he thought about pressing their lips together in a sweet kiss when they cuddled in bed, faces just inches away from each other. Or when Soobin stared at his face so fondly, eyes full of love and promises. Or when they went on their second trip, walking with their hands touching sometimes, maybe by accident, maybe because they wanted to lace their fingers together but were too afraid to do so. 

But he doesnt lean in to connect their lips.

All he does is smile back, and push the hair out of his handsome face, exposing his forehead to see all of him. 

They walk to the nearest restaurant to finally eat, and Soobin opens the door for Yeonjun to go in first. The older lets out an excited little sound upon seeing the fancy design of the restaurant, clapping his hands together in joy. 

"What do you wanna eat? Jesus we need to try this, page 4, look!" Yeonjun was always excited when it came to food, and maybe after Soobin, he loved his tummy the most and now he is looking at the menu with the same happy face Soobin loves dearly. 

"I fucking _hate_ fish, you know that." 

"Still can't understand how, but okay. Eat your boring chicken." Yeonjun goes back to the menu, and looks at the last page searching for alcohol because he is a whore for wine. Soobin always teases him that he should be drinking beer or something and not wine like divorced moms.

"I want this!" Soobin says, pointing at a dish.

They're so full. So full that they cant even think about walking back home, feeling like they might die from moving. Yeonjun pays, because he never let's Soobin to even think about his wallet, and they get going soon after. The walk home is slow, they're not in a rush at all, just enjoying the view. 

Soobin wants to reach out, he really does. He wants to hold Yeonjun's hand and act like it's nothing, but his heart is still beating irregularly when he thinks about the little kiss he gave Yeonjun. He doesn't know what happened, there was this sudden urge to kiss his cheek and he went for it without thinking. Of course he saw the surprise in Yeonjun's eyes, but he didnt laugh it off, or act awkward. It was just sweet. 

Building up the courage, he holds the hand in his own and doesn't say anything. Neither does Yeonjun, the boy just smiling to himself. 

"This is so nice." The older says after a while, and he doesn't have to elaborate, because Soobin knows what he is thinking. 

The next day it's all about exploring the town again like it's their first time, taking photos and laughing to themselves, probably too loud for others, bothering the people next to them, but they're always annoying together, they don't even realise it. 

It started when they became really close, both of them young and going to the same elementary school. 

Yeonjun was 12, and Soobin turned 11 when they got into a fight behind the school after classes. 

The big fight was just them getting mad at each other because Yeonjun accidentally stepped on Soobin's lego car, breaking the whole thing. The younger got up, already taller than Yeonjun and pushed him to the ground harshly. Yeonjun got mad too, and they started fighting on the ground until a teacher noticed. Both of them were dirty, but no serious injuries happened and that was the only reason they didnt get a serious punishment, they just had to apologise to each other and sit at the same table to write their homeworks. 

Tiny Yeonjun said sorry the next day, giving him a similar lego car to the one he broke, eyes not meeting his. His mom scolded him after hearing what happened and told Yeonjun to go and give him his own toy because he was careless. Soobin accepted the apology and the car too, of course, and they played together that day, fight long forgotten. In no time they were best friends, and when they reached puberty and the fucking drama of being a teenager started, they became closer, only having and trusting each other. 

Inside jokes started forming, with more and more memories together, and they were inseparable. The first one who told them they were being annoying was Yeonjun's mom at a trip where they took Soobin along, and the boys kept laughing at the back of the car. 

It feels the same now too, just being in their own world. 

Yeonjun doesn't even has to ask him to take photos of him, because Soobin knows, he keeps telling him to pose. And when Yeonjun isnt looking, he takes some photos of him for himself too, when the boy is just laughing, looking ethereal. He quickly changes his homescreen to Yeonjun. 

They walk a lot, maybe a bit too much for Soobin, but he doesn't complain, how could he, when Yeonjun looks so happy? He doesnt mention it. 

When they finally, finally go back home, Soobin immediately sits down with his phone in his hand, ordering food for them. Yeonjun wants to go to a restaurant again, but seeing how tired the younger is, he just sits down next to him. He places his chin on Soobin's shoulder, head bumping into each other. 

"Can I see the photos?" Yeonjun asks, and his breath hits Soobin's face, so so close. 

"Yeah, of course." He pulls up his camera roll, and goes to the first photo. 

There are photos of the buildings, of the sky, of the pretty clouds and trees. Then here comes Yeonjun, the ones where Soobin told him to pose, and Yeonjun says "I look good, what the fuck, I was so hot today!" Soobin wants to say he is hot all the time, but decides against it, just chuckling. 

Soobin keeps scrolling through the photos, and thats when they reach the ones he secretly took of him. Yeonjun is smiling to himself, watching as he sees himself just standing with his back to the camera or looking at the sky, or laughing, looking rather unattractive. Soobin has taken at least 20 photo of him, and they all look so random, but still, something about it makes his heart ache in a good way. 

"You'e so cute, you know that?" He asks, and hugs him from behind, hands resting on the younger's tummy. He breaths in his scent, once again smiling because it brings him comfort, _makes him feel at home_. 

"Why?" 

"Thank you for being with me, for all these years. And thank you for letting me stay with you." 

"I love you, and you know it." 

And yeonjun knows. He moves a bit to sit in front of the younger, and looks him in the eye, face looking serious, but it doesn't scare Soobin. He just smiles, and waits for whatever Yeonjun wants to say, or do. Its quiet. 

The older holds his neck gently with one hand and he leans in, while Soobin is going to fucking pass out. 

It's just a kiss on his forehead, but he feels his body going stiff. It's so innocent of Yeonjun, and Soobin wants to kiss him, right then and there. So badly. Just leaning in and capture his lips in a soft kiss, he wants it so much...

They're headed to the pool now, at 9pm hoping there's no one inside. 

Luckily they arrive to a quiet pool and and no people in sight! Yeonjun pulls his shirt over his head in just a second, and goes closer to the edge, looking behind his back to see soobin fumbling with his own shirt. 

"Hurry the fuck up!" 

"We literally have an hour to be here, don't rush me!" 

Soon enough Soobin joins him and they get in the cold water, holding on to each other for warmth. Yeonjun is giggling, hugging Soobin's neck and swaying around in the water, like they're dancing. The younger is smiling too, hands tightly around Yeonjun's waist but letting him do whatever he wants. Their feet are on the tile floor, loving that theyre tall so Soobin doesn't have to worry about drowning, because he is scared of deep water. 

It takes some time to let each other go, getting used to the temperature, and they're playing around like kids, splashing water in each other's faces, trying to escape when one of them is trying to attack the other. 

"Get under the water, I promise it's not scary! Open your eyes." 

"There's no way im gonna open my eyes babe, it's gonna hurt so bad later!" 

"Loser." Says the older as he goes under, head disappearing in the water for a short moment before he comes back up. He pushes his hair out of his face, already feeling how dry it's going to be after. Soobin can't stop staring, really, he just can't. Yeonjun looks _gorgeous_ , hair wet and his collarbone showing, looking like he is glowing. Soobin wants to look at him forever. He dips his head in too, trying to stay underwater as long as he can, storing his thoughts away in his brain, like every other when he thinks of Yeonjun meaning more than a friend to him. He comes back up with a gasp, shaking his hair to get as much water out as he can.

"Okay, swim to me!" Says the older, reaching out his arms and doing that _grabby hand thing_ Soobin is fucking weak for. With a roll of his eyes he does as he was told, and ends up way too close to him, laughing when the water gets into his eyes, already burning from the chlorine. Hands intertwined they're pushing and pulling each other around, having so much fun it makes Yeonjun laugh harshly. Soobin's favorite sound.

"We have to have a pool sometime in the future. I need to spend my life in the water, I'm a fish." 

"You'll get all pruney and smell like chlorine, ew." 

"You would love me like that, too." 

"There's not a single thing that would stop me from loving you, that's right." Soobin is a smiling mess, and Yeonjun stops moving around. They're holding up the eye contact and the older looks uncertain for just a moment until he makes up his mind. 

"Even if I kissed you now?" 

Soobin looks hesitant, but he doesn't move an inch. _Is this really happening_?

"No." 

"Then... Can i?" 

Soobin nods, every thought leaving his mind when it hits him that Yeonjun wants to kiss him. 

Yeonjun though, he looks hesitant, not because he doesn't want it, fuck, he wants it so much. But what if it ruins everything? What if he is going to lose him again? 

So Soobin closes the gap between them, not being able to wait for Yeonjun. The kiss tastes like the water, and honey flavoured lipbalm, but it couldn't be better, nothing would be better than this. 

Yeonjun presses their bodies together, seemingly too eager, like he waited for so long, just like how Soobin did. 

They're not sure when did they fall in love. Maybe the moment they became inseparable, maybe when they first said " _I can't live without you._ " 

But it doesn't matter now, not when Yeonjun licks his bottom lip to open up, not when his hands wander around his back, his shoulders, his neck, stopping at his still very much damp hair. Soobin cant stop either, he reaches for his thighs, effortlessly picking him up and Yeonjun gets the message to close his legs around his torso. Now Soobin has to tilt his head up to kiss him better, and Yeonjun takes care of the rest, angling his head how he wants to, holding him by his face. The older shamelessly licks into his mouth, letting out a soft groan, can't stop, he can't. 

Soobin doesn't want it to stop either, sucking on the tongue in his mouth, then pushing his own into Yeonjun's hot mouth to lick behind his front teeth, lick everywhere to explore his mouth. They're both so eager to keep going and never stop...

Until someone with their kid walks in. Its literally almost half past nine. _Why. Just why_. The kid is so loud, coming to their direction so they stop kissing, but it's hard to let go. Soobin lets his legs drop down, but he hugs him close just for a moment before they pull away from each other. 

They never hurried like this before, almost running to their room, still a bit wet, water dropping down onto the floor from their swimming shorts. They don't give a fuck. 

Yeonjun kisses him again, this time much slower but still with the same passion and love. No tongue, just lips moving together, breathing through their noses. 

Soobin is the first to pull away, noticing how both of them are shivering from the cold. 

They both take a hot shower, thinking about everything. " _Since when?" "What should i do now?"_

In pyjamas they get into the comfortable, warm bed next to each other. Its silent for a few seconds, just laying there together, looking at the ceiling. 

"What are we doing?" Asks Soobin with a voice Yeonjun feared the most, panic settling in his stomach. He sounds like he is scared. 

"I-i have no idea." 

"You wanted to kiss me."

"And you kissed me." 

Now where does this put them? What are they?

"Do you regret it?" He is so, so not prepared for the answer Soobin will give him.

"No." Is his short answer that made Yeonjun release a deep sigh he had been holding on. 

"I know what I feel. Do you?" 

"Yes, yes I do..." 

"What it is, Soobin?" 

Soobin turns around to face Yeonjun, and it makes him want to cry. 

"I love you." 

"I love you too..." 

"I dont want to change us."

This lets the tears escape his eyes, and Yeonjun turns to face the ceiling again, covering his eyes as he cries, trying to be quiet. This couldnt be real, _this hurts him so much, it hurts._

"Dont cry baby, listen to me. Listen." Soobin is quick to pull the hand away from his face, hovering over the older, forcing him to look. 

"I want to add things to our relationship. I want us to kiss each other. To touch each other. To make love. But i want things to stay the same, i want us to love each other romantically, but please lets not leave behind what we have now. Just add these things." 

"Do you want us to be together?" 

"Arent we dating, anyway? Everything we do is what lovers do. Except kissing and having sex. Other that these, we're already the closest we can be." 

"Please kiss me again, it feels like I'm dreaming." 

And Soobin does, he kisses him with love, with adoration.

He kisses him for a long time. Late into the night, when they should be asleep. 

"Are you mine?" Yeonjun asks, tears still in his eyes, making it look like there are stars in it. 

"I was always yours."


End file.
